Episode Two: Neighbours

NARRATOR
Previously on “Three Rambunctious Writers” …

SHAKESPEARE
Some magic, the origin whereof I know not, didst cruelly rip us from our appointed place in time and disrupt the harmony of the celestial spheres by forcing us, an ill-conceived triad of writers from diff’rent islands in the wide ocean of history, to share an abode in early twenty-first century Portland, Oregon.

MESSENGER
Whatev. I got a delivery for a Mr. Shaxper from Happy Computer Co.

SHAKESPEARE
OMG, WTF, like, leave me alone!

AUSTEN
I will no longer have this infernal contraption in my house!

NARRATOR
And now: this week!


Oscar Wilde, Jane Austen, and William Shakespeare are in their kitchen drinking tea and chatting. Again. They do this a lot.

AUSTEN
I must admit, I was gratified to learn so much about twenty-first century technology last week, although the computer’s effect on Mr. Shakespeare was, of course, disturbing.

WILDE
I would be most gratified, Jane, if you would decline from mentioning the computer in front of Will. One can only extent so much sympathy before feeling an urge to attack someone.

SHAKESPEARE
Oh, sweet computer, how I miss thy beauteous silicone! Why wert thou torn from me, a tearing like unto the rending of flesh? Let me but see thy screen once more and I will forgo all pleasure in life!

WILDE
Take that back, if you please! What did pleasure ever do to you?

AUSTEN
Shall we not argue today, sirs? Just once?

The doorbell rings.

SHAKESPEARE
Ah, bright siren bell, always dost thou sound at the best time in a conversation.

WILDE
I can see how you could find inanimate objects to be more pleasant conversation than we are, Will, but you need not be so blatant about it.

SHAKESPEARE
Well, forgive me if I use some apostrophe now and then! I enjoy poetic techniques! I would most likely know more if my internet research had not been curtailed.

WILDE
You were in a flame war—

AUSTEN
(Answering the door)
Good day, madam, and welcome. I am, apparently, the doorman.

MRS. JONES
Hi there! I’m Mrs. Jones from next door. Welcome to the neighborhood!

AUSTEN
Thank you! Please come in. (Mrs. Jones comes inside) I am Miss Jane Austen, and these are my housemates—

MRS. JONES
Jane Austen? Really? No relation to that writer—

AUSTEN
No, of course not! No relation at all, I’ve barely heard of—of her. In fact, my name’s not even Jane Austen. I misspoke, it’s, er, Jean Boston. How could we be related? We were born in entirely different time periods.

MRS. JONES
But—that doesn’t make any—

AUSTEN
These are my housemates, who were born in the twenty-first century.

WILDE
Pleased to meet you.

SHAKESPEARE
An honour, fair lady.

MRS. JONES
Yes, well, I came by to say that I heard a loud crash in the vicinity of your yard a few days ago, so I thought I’d tell you that it was really rather disruptive. I mean, I’m sure you didn’t purposefully cause the entire block to experience feelings of fear and anxiety as a result of your carelessness, so I thought I’d just tell you about it.

SHAKESPEARE
Aye, a crash, but wherefore be-ith the crabs in the apple of shh, if you get my meaning, nuncle.

MRS. JONES
What?

WILDE
Do you mean to say that you’re not well-versed in obscure Elizabethan puns? I am shocked!

MRS. JONES
Elizabethan? Is that some sort of cult?

SHAKESPEARE
The Queen is not a cult! Thou witless dunce that doth—

AUSTEN
There is no call for vulgarity! Mrs. Jones, I apologize for the noise, and I assure you it will not happen again—the circumstances were not such as could easily be repeated.

WILDE
Unless we get another computer.

SHAKESPEARE
Precious computer! Thou art gone! Gone, forever!

AUSTEN
Indeed. Will you have some tea, Mrs. Jones, or will you be on your way?

MRS. JONES
I’ve got things to do, thanks, but while I’m here, I should mention that we’re having some construction done on my house. It’s not much—just some bulldozers and a few wrecking balls—we’re rebuilding to increase the property value. It’ll only make noise from three AM to ten in the evening, you’ll barely notice it. Well, nice meeting you!

SHAKESPEARE
Have a good one!

Exit Mrs. Jones

AUSTEN
I am glad to form a closer acquaintance with our neighbours, but it does seem that her repairs will be rather more of a problem than the one crash that occurred when I accidentally pushed the computer out the window.

WILDE
Indeed. “Accidentally.”

SHAKESPEARE
This construction, by the sound of it, will assault our ears with a sound like unto the screaming of the damned in hell! I like not this woman—doth she not realize to whom she speaks? I am widely considered—

WILDE
--to be the greatest writer in the English language. We know. You may have mentioned it a few times, here and there.

AUSTEN
The question remains of what we shall do about the forthcoming construction. I fear that the noises will intrude most obnoxiously when I am writing.

WILDE
You rarely write in any case, Jane, since we arrived here.

AUSTEN
Well, it would if I did! You write just as rarely.

SHAKESPEARE
My dear friends, might we but focus? I would fain defeat the evil and vainglorious Mrs. Jones.

AUSTEN
How can we solve the problem? To complain might be most impolite.

WILDE
Let’s put our heads to it. How do we solve most of our problems?

SHAKESPEARE
Duels! Or big brawling fights which doth amount to the same thing.

AUSTEN
With propriety and possibly with discreet amusement.

WILDE
Or by ignoring all one’s problems. I must say, this hardly seems to help.

SHAKESPEARE
Wait—what about satire?

AUSTEN
Of course!

WILDE
That’s it!

SHAKESPEARE
Satire!

WILDE
Satire will solve all our problems!

AUSTEN
Indeed!

The next day

SHAKESPEARE
So we meet once more after a long and sleepless night preparing our Eternal Poetic Works of Literary Greatness.

Jane and Oscar have secretly not actually prepared anything.

AUSTEN
Indeed.

WILDE
Right.

SHAKESPEARE
Although I hath, in the past, mayhap suggested that your works of non-cosmic comedy of manners may be less than Great Literature, I realize now that we must work together to overcome the vile shrew Mrs. Jones with brilliant works of satire!

AUSTEN
Your friendship is most gratifying, Mr. Shakespeare. Shall we hear your satire?

WILDE
Yes, I’m curious to see this great literary work that can prepared in one night while secretly sneaking out the window to internet cafés at three in the morning.

SHAKESPEARE
Thou wert not supposed to find out about that! I mean to say, I have freed myself from the possession of the demon Internet. In any case, here is my satire:
Mrs. J---- would fain declare
Herself the mistress of the block
But her repairs make awful sounds
And doth disturb the peace, the vicious shrew!

AUSTEN
Pray continue, sir.

SHAKESPEARE
That’s all there is.

WILDE
You’ve said brevity is the soul of wit, Will, but I didn’t realize you meant it quite so literally. Indeed, in this case—

SHAKESPEARE
I confess, I am undone by this monstrous task! I canst not satirize without a full cast of players, a stage, two hours of performance, a plot that someone else hath made up, a tiring room—

AUSTEN
Do not castigate yourself, Mr. Shakespeare. I am sure that Mr. Wilde and I have done no better. None of us are particularly suited to biting satire of the neighbours.

WILDE
I could do it if she were interesting, but the good Mrs. Jones is far too dull to waste one’s talents on.

AUSTEN
Then, gentlemen, there is only one solution.

SHAKESPEARE
Fair Jane, once more thou givest voice to mine own thoughts. Clearly, we must fine some satirist who, like us, hath been brought forward through time, and hire him to aid in our fight with the neighbours!

WILDE
This idea is rife with potential problems—let’s do it immediately!

AUSTEN
I was going to suggest moving house, but I must admit this idea is intriguing.

SHAKESPEARE
Then our quest hath begun!


Next week: The search for a satirist!