NARRATOR
Previously on Three Rambunctious Writers…
AUSTEN
A mysterious global conspiracy brought me forward from the past, and forced me to live in twenty-first century Portland! Many other writers are also here!
VAN GOGH
There were others … before you. Warn your fellow writers. Our fate may soon become yours.
SHAKESPEARE
I’m speaking, like, net slang! That’s what I call the internet now—the “net”! Now leave, I need to flame this n00b!
AUSTEN
The computer’s effect on Mr. Shakespeare was, of course, disturbing.
NARRATOR
And now… this week!
Our three protagonists are sitting around in the kitchen and talking, like old times. Shakespeare has a laptop.
AUSTEN
It was excessively pleasant to have my work admired so. I do wonder why we have been so very strenuous about security. Perhaps we should reveal our secret identities to the general public—then we could share insight into our works and times.
WILDE
And be waited on constantly by groveling fans. It’s an attractive proposition.
AUSTEN
Indeed.
WILDE
But, according to Vincent van Gogh, we’d all be murdered horribly, which would rather lessen our enjoyment.
AUSTEN
Are you entirely convinced that the bulldozer driver was indeed Mr. van Gogh? It seems an unlikely idea. Were you perhaps in liquor at the time?
WILDE
Jane, I assure you, it was Vincent van Gogh! He was missing an ear, what more proof is necessary?
AUSTEN
You have failed to entirely vanquish my qualms!
SHAKESPEARE
Jane! Oscar! Cease thy quarrels and look on this wound’rous sight—we hath receivéd an email from Master Orwell.
AUSTEN
How is it, Mr. Shakespeare, that you still possess a computer? I have destroyed or removed six of them in the past month and yet you never seem to be without one.
SHAKESPEARE
Certes, Orwell hath suffused this email with all manner of encryption, but, forsooth, I hath nobly brought it forth intact.
WILDE
Will, Jane and I are concerned about your computer use. Your eyes are bloodshot, your skin is unnaturally pale, and I suspect that you are developing carpal tunnel syndrome.
SHAKESPEARE
The mystic email doth read thus:
(reads)
“You know who you are, so I won’t address you directly—it’s safer that way. I got your email about codename: star, which, I might add, was very badly encrypted and signed with your real names. I’ll look into the matter, but for now the most important thing is to maintain safety procedures. Do nothing to call attention to yourselves. I’ll be in touch. –Eric.”
AUSTEN
Mr. Shakespeare, perhaps you should refrain from speaking with your computer for a half hour or so. Come for a brisk walk in the garden with us.
SHAKESPEARE
O! I hath received another email!
AUSTEN
Do not read it! Let the computer alone.
WILDE
There is nothing more unappealing than a writer typing away at a computer screen when he could be making witty remarks in company. Put the laptop away, Will. Let’s go drop in unexpectedly on the Romantics again.
AUSTEN
I fear I have not yet recovered from the last time we did so. And please do not ignore your friends when we are speaking, Mr. Shakespeare, it is most improper.
SHAKESPEARE
I will give heed to your entreaties and, with much agony and torment in my soul, quit my beloved computer for the space of five minutes, once I hath read my newest email.
WILDE
That’s hardly—O! Jane, look at this email.
AUSTEN
(reads)
“Dear Mr. Shaxper,
Congratulations!!!! You may have technology addiction disorder! You’ve been randomly identified by our spyware as a person who may be in need of one-on-one counseling, group addiction therapy, or internet aversion therapy! And there’s no need to go to a licensed psychologist or counselor with these problems! Nope, our free unaccredited counseling service will solve all your problems!!!!! Also, we’ll enlarge your genitals.”
WILDE
Your correspondent seem inordinately fond of exclamation points. One might even say pathologically so.
AUSTEN
I do not find this person’s crude allusions and gross lack of propriety to be in any way acceptable! Mr. Shakespeare, I must implore you to delete this email immediately.
SHAKESPEARE
Methinks I will attend this counseling service.
AUSTEN
No! You cannot discuss your problems with someone so ungentlemanly as to mention genitals in a public email!
WILDE
Nor with someone who finds it entertaining to employ four exclamation points in a row! We’ve said you ought to spend less time on the computer, but not this way.
SHAKESPEARE
The untutored and artless enthusiasm of this noble emailer hath captured me, and, God’s follicle, I will attend. Wilt come with me?
WILDE
Well, we can’t let you go alone. Who knows what you’d get up to?
At the internet counseling service.
AUSTEN
I do not mean to be disparaging, but I must comment that this room does not seem altogether well kept. Are you certain that this service is reputable?
SHAKESPEARE
Doubt me not, fair Jane! My powers of judging character hath ne’er failed afore.
RECEPTIONIST
Hi!! Welcome to MoneyBucks, a free unaccredited counseling service! How can I help you?
SHAKESPEARE
Sweet lady, men call me Bill Shaxper, and I hath received thy email.
RECEPTIONIST
Welcome, Mr. Shaxper!! According to my files, you may suffer from technology addiction disorder!! We can help you!
SHAKESPEARE
Heavens be praised!
RECEPTIONIST
All we need is a three hundred dollar processing fee!
WILDE
Has the word “free” changed in definition since my time period?
RECEPTIONIST
Maybe! It’s just a processing fee.
SHAKESPEARE
And but a low price for the physic that will heal my grievous disease.
AUSTEN
Mr. Shakespeare, we cannot afford such luxuriant counseling. Perhaps you could discuss your problems with Mr. Wilde and I?
WILDE
He’ll only buy more computers otherwise, Jane. In any case, I want to see this counseling.
AUSTEN
Very well.
RECEPTIONIST
Great!! Mr. Shaxper, you can meet with our (unlicensed) internet addiction specialist in the next room! I’m not sure what to do with the two of you.
AUSTEN
We will go along with Mr. Shaxper, of course.
RECEPTIONIST
No, internet aversion therapy is best accomplished … alone. Perhaps you could join the group therapy that’s going on in the other room! For a mere two hundred dollars each in processing fees you could sit in on the meeting of—let me check…
AUSTEN
Madam, this is unnecessary. We do not intend—
WILDE
Quiet, Jane!
RECEPTIONIST
Yes today we have the Hedonists Anonymous and the Romance Novel Addicts! Meeting together!
WILDE
But those are hardly problems.
AUSTEN
Indeed! Novels are an innocent enjoyment and could hardly be described as an “addiction”!
RECEPTIONIST
Well, maybe not by stuffy counseling services with degrees and accreditation, but we’re open-minded! And for a small three hundred dollars each you can see for yourselves!
WILDE
We’ll pay.
AUSTEN
Mr. Wilde! Six hundred dollars to satisfy idle curiosity?
WILDE
Indeed.
Inside the internet therapy room.
RECEPTIONIST
Welcome to internet aversion therapy! I’m your unlicensed counselor!
SHAKESPEARE
In truth, thou resemblest much the receptionist who didst great me, but I can see that thou needs must be a different person. Thou wearest a hat and she did not.
RECEPTIONIST
Of course I’m not the same person as the receptionist! What a ridiculous idea! We have a staff of hundreds! There will be a small five hundred dollar compulsory donation to continue.
SHAKESPEARE
If gold will rid me of this fearsome demon Internet then so be it!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile…
In the support group room.
PERSON
Welcome to the thirteenth combined meeting of Hedonism Anonymous and Romance Novel Addicts. This is an unlicensed group therapy session. There will be a small hundred-dollar fee to continue. Thank you. Now please welcome our new members, Jean Boston and Ernest Jones!
AUSTEN
Good day.
WILDE
A pleasure to meet you.
PERSON
Please don’t use the word “pleasure”, Mr. Jones. It upsets the members of Hedonism Anonymous.
WILDE
As well it should! True aesthetic appreciation can only come through—
PERSON
Okay, thanks for your comments. I’ll begin today’s meeting. This morning at breakfast I felt the urge to put jam on my toast, but I flagellated myself for a half hour instead.
AUSTEN
That seems somewhat excessive, madam.
PERSON
Please don’t use the word “excessive!” It reminds us of our formerly excessive habits. If you continue to use upsetting words in this matter, you’ll both have to pay another thousand dollars.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile…
Back with Shakespeare.
RECEPTIONIST
Do you recognize this object?
SHAKESPEARE
I canst not deny I do. It be a computer.
RECEPTIONIST
Good! Give me a hundred dollars. Okay, now I want you to sit in front of the computer, and whenever you touch it or look at it I’ll shock you with this taser.
SHAKESPEARE
What use hath a taser? Is it like unto a sword?
RECEPTIONIST
You’ll find out. Don’t touch the computer!
SHAKESPEARE
Ow! Thou art most unkind!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile…
Back with the support group.
PERSON
And then I had a massive bonfire in my backyard and burned all my romance novels. I felt a sudden urge to get drunk and dance naked around the fire, but instead I did six hundred pushups.
WILDE
Your life is not worth living!
PERSON
That unsupportive remark will cost you another hundred dollars, Mr. Jones.
AUSTEN
I am most confused, madam, by your continual disparagement of romance novels. Surely reading is not harmful.
PERSON
Reading schlocky trash is harmful!
AUSTEN
In my own time, all novels were seen as silly pastimes of women, not worthy of serious thought. It seems more than slightly reminiscent of your beliefs about novels of romance.
PERSON
That’s a very helpful comment, Ms. Boston! Perhaps you’re right and all novels are as harmful as romances. Maybe I should burn all my books and spend all my time exercising.
AUSTEN
Would that truly cause you enjoyment?
PERSON
Don’t use the word “enjoyment!” How many times must I remind you? You’ll just have to give me five hundred dollars.
WILDE
No! We won’t give you any more money!
AUSTEN
As it happens, we do not possess any more money.
WILDE
Listen, group therapy members! I will relate to you a lengthy speech about aesthetics that will cause you to become hedonists again. Firstly—
PERSON
No more money?! I’m afraid I must ask the two of you to leave this group! You have been nothing but disruptive—
AUSTEN
I’m afraid you will see more disruptions, madam, before the day is out! I am affronted by the overly mercenary and monastic attitude of this group, and I must insist that you listen to Mr. Wilde’s long and boring speech about aesthetics, which I myself have heard on more than one occasion.
PERSON
I thought his name was Jones.
AUSTEN
That was what I said! Have you hearing problems as well? Perhaps you should visit an unaccredited doctor! Now pray be silent!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile…
Back in the internet therapy room.
RECEPTIONIST
Augh! Let me go!
SHAKESPEARE
No! Thou shalt not use thy magic staff again. How is it that thou knowest not even the basics of swordplay? The education in this time period is truly—
RECEPTIONIST
I won’t shock you again, just put down the dagger! Where’d you even get that?
SHAKESPEARE
I always carry a dagger on my person, so that if thieves like thee do attempt to o’erthrow me I might duel with them.
RECEPTIONIST
What kind of lunatic are you?
SHAKESPEARE
One who hath realized that he doth enjoy the internet more than electric shocks!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile…
Back in the group therapy room.
WILDE
And that is why you should leave this unaccredited therapy group immediately and go enjoy yourselves! I myself devoted my life to enjoying myself as much as possible at all times, which led to some problems at the end, but let’s not go into those right now. The point is I still had a better time than you shells of people!
PERSON
But how can I deal with my problems without attending expensive unaccredited therapy sessions?
WILDE
Well, perhaps you could write some poetry. Really dramatic poetry! With lots of adjectives! That will fix everything!
PERSON
How much does it cost?
Shakespeare suddenly arrives.
SHAKESPEARE
Jane! Oscar! We must leave immediately! I hath bested that lily-livered beggarly shrew of a therapist in a duel and now she hath called the police!
AUSTEN
We will hear no end of complaints from Mr. Orwell if the police come to know our secret identities.
SHAKESPEARE
We needs must exeunt!
WILDE
Good day, support group members. I advise you to go have a good dinner and get drunk.
PERSON
There is a hundred dollar exiting fee—
SHAKESPEARE
And thou shalt see none of it! Dearest friends, quickly! Down the fire escape!
The end.
